John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
