Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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