Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
