There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
