Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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