I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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