Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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