if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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