Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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