I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
