woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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