Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
