can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
