Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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