Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
