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the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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