I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
