Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
