I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
