i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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