Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
