I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
