I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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