last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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