420 ftw
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
