what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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