he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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