ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
