you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
