dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
