70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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