Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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