In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
