Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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