Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
