I am spending my child support on dildos
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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