omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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