no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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