Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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