when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
