singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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