I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
