Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
