Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
