I'm eating all of the evidence.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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