I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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