I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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