on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
