How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
