He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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