A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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